Jenrez

Oh, CRAIG! How I long for thine list.

I’ve discovered the gloriousness that is Selling All My Crap on Craigslist for More Money Than its Worth. 

So far: Crappy bathroom shelves that don’t fit in the new place – used for an entire year, originally paid $15-$20: SOLD $10

Crappy headboard from 1982 that my mom gave to me when I moved out 5 years ago SOLD $20

Still pending: Crappy dining room table I bought at SAM’S CLUB 5 years ago for $250, now has a crack through the glass top.  ALMOST SOLD $100

Crappy Becky Mask, she hasn’t taken it off in 2 years… wondering what she Really Looks Like.  ALMOST SOLD $.50

Crappy Butt.  Apparently, Becky has sold my ass on the internet as well.  PENDING SALE $1.00

To Hunt or Be Hunted

Sunday night Becky and I read tarot for each other and not only did I get the Death Card, but after SEVERAL SHUFFLINGS AND CUTTINGS OF THE DECK, Becky also received the Death Card.

Grim Reaper and shit.

(I don't associate tarot with freaky spirits or anything... I took it as a "Transformation Card" and thought nothing more of it).

Until....

I woke up Monday morning at 4:30am with the Heebiest of Jeebies after a nightmare about ghosts, one little girl of a ghost in particular.

I immediately shrugged it off and thought I had been watching too many previews for the Ring Two lately.

But later that night after work, Becky told me about how she and her sister played the Ouija board once in the apartment. Apparently they were visited by a 7 year old girl who had died there.

THEN, THEN... I take a shower and when I'm done and I peel the shower curtain back, I see that The Friggin Bathroom Door is Cracked Open.

I never do that. Ever. Out of habit, I wouldn't have done it. I had to turn the fan on as well, WHICH IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE DOOR. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have shut that door. I had no intention of fixing my hair, brushing my teeth, etc, etc... all things in which may have caused me to decide not to shut the door. But, I went straight in to that bathroom with the intention of taking a shower. I always close the door when I'm taking a shower.

So, I get freaked out, and I run out in my towel, still dripping wet to Becky who is on the couch. I tell her and she looks at me and says, "who were you talking to? Weren't you on the phone in there?"

I HADNT SPOKEN A WORD. NOT ONE WORD.

(also of note: Becky and her sister have both had the same dream (months apart) while sleeping in this apartment. The dream consisted of them waking up and feeling pinned down by a hand on their shoulder.)

Any ghost hunters out there?

Hats and Balls

I am getting a bit worried about class now. I had to seriously force myself to stick around last night. It was sooo boring, sooo not what I wanted to be doing, even on a Tuesday night.

While a few classmates and I were bitching on break, one of them, John, asked to use my phone. So, I turned my phone on and handed it to him. John seems like an all-around good guy, nice, intelligent, light-hearted... but I don't hear him joking around a lot so when he looked up at me and said, "that's nice," I replied, "no problem, any time."

I had completely forgotten that my roommate programmed the intro message on my phone to: i suck balls

AWESOME.

Know what else is awesome? New hats. And friends.

Robert and His Stupid Thin Mints Part Trois

Becky’s feet were still planted on the floor, her hands still gripping the arms of her chair, but as her eyes focused upon the fool laying vulnerable on the floor, a moment of relief swept over her. Her tongue fell limp from its hold to the roof of her mouth. Her cringed forehead smoothed while all of the tension seemed to leave her body with one exhalation. Robert then began to slowly peel himself from the floor, his cheeks flushed and eyes darting for something to focus on other than Becky.

“Robert,” she said in exasperation, “what is it that you do all day? Sneak up behind people and fall on your ass?"

Stupid Robert and His Thin Mints Part Duex

As he contemplated the gesture, Becky felt a cool chill sweep across the back of her neck. Goose bumps started to form on her skin, and a glimpse of Robert’s reflection appeared atop the numbers on her screen. Her typing quickly ceased as she sat motionless, in apprehension of his touch. With a stone face and pursed lips, she spun around in her chair to face him. Perhaps it was the astonishment of such an unfriendly scowl, or the simple reflexes of a body in shock, but those thin mints went soaring across the room and Robert’s poor body tipped backward off of the very tips of his heels and went crashing to the ground beneath him.

to be continued...

Stupid Robert and His Thin Mints

Becky was sitting silently at her desk, waiting for the clock’s hand to somehow tick faster and prove time amendable to the soul. The numbers on the screen before her were blurred and meaningless after hours of mundane work and unsurpassable boredom. It was of no surprise to the man that slowly crept up behind her that she would leap from her chair in shock with a simple tap on the shoulder. Holding a box of thin mints in his right hand and curving a pointed digit on his left, he took two more silent steps closer to the unsuspecting worker. “I’ll offer her some of my thin mints,” he thought.

to be continued...

Don't Say I Never Gave You Anything

So, I live with this girl named Rebecca
The only word that rhymes with her name is tribeca
Our apartment is so cute and cozy
Sometimes we watch Parker Posey
with or without her consent.

I prefer a glass of Chardonnay or three
but she'll drink bud light like it grows on trees
mostly she'll dance and slide across the floors
with slippery socks and run into doors
and we'll bitch about paying rent.

I am Arwenian, what are you?

My roommate and I have discovered that we are the coolest people in the world. I don't know exactly when this surprisingly noble honor came to us, but I'm thinking it was probably somewhere between the time we started pretending to talk in Elvish and 72 hours later when we continued to pretend to talk in Elvish. We have not yet come to understand why everyone tells us to stop.